Stories

Surprisingly, in a remote part of the world every creature was the same size; width, height, and weight. Appearance actually made little impact on the citizens of this land, the land of Souplandia. However, there was still a firm class distinction, and at the time of our story a monarchy was ruling quite peacefully.

King Oyster Stink and Queen Crab Pants had just had a baby daughter, Princess Lobster Breath, and they were enjoying their first night out by taking in the Crustacean Circus. Souplandia was a very conservative land; polite, shy, and extremely strict about their morals. The ant couple Zip and Zap Lust were trying valiantly to contain their desire for public copulation. Copulation however, was not worth the fashionable punishment of death that was all the rage with the young and affluent. Zap was pregnant and very close to birth, but their show had to go on. Antcrobats were not allowed a night off. They’re act began normal enough, until out shot a baby from between Zap’s legs, and then in the confusion and joy of the moment Zip and Zap “joined”. The miracle birth was soon forgotten as the whole crowd looked on in disgust! They soon began chanting “put your pants on!” which was the signal for certain death. King Oyster Breath had no choice, and Zip and Zap Lust were killed by stinky sock suffocation. They desperately tried to hold their breath, but after 3 hours they expired, sending their souls into the buffet in the sky.

Zanglust was hurried away from the tragic events by the Lust family butler; Mr. Crooked Butlerface. The butler quickly saw that this was no normal baby. For Zanglust's first meal he ate 100 sausages, 5 porcupines, and 13 dolphins. After this meal he would only eat other people's hiccups. Later in life, he hated anyone that tried to sneak up on any individual person. Understandable, as everyone needs to eat. He could also fly, repel curses, and cure people of Attention Deficit Disorder. Paradoxically, these great gifts were actually hindrances to Zanglust's survival. The King had put out a bounty on his head; he did not want any person coming for revenge, so his policy was to imprison possible avengers and then go pee in a lake: to show his dominance and supreme rule. Mr. Crooked Butlerface had extreme difficulty stopping the young Zanglust from using his powers, many times having to tie him up; where the following episode would ensue.

Mr. Crooked Butlerface: Don't worry son it's for your own good!

Zanglust: I know, but my body won't stop. It doesn't listen to ropes like it listens to Giraffe Hip Hop.

(Enter Ms. Symmetrical Maidface)

Ms. Symmetrical Maidface: Oh my dear lord! He's shaking like a leaf.

This conversation happened exactly as written, every time.

At Zanglust's 16th birthday he made a decision to no longer hide from his would-be oppressor, since he was already a caged animal in his own home. He French kissed both Mr. Crooked Butlerface and Ms. Symmetrical Maidface goodbye When their 3 tongues were intertwined he couldn't help but feel immensely heavy-hearted as these disgusting creatures were really the only parents he had ever known. He then walked off his island hideaway and let the tide take him back to Souplandia. Under the ever expanding sea lived mostly drunks, as the nation's policy for alcoholics was to put them where they could not annoy. The ocean was an obvious choice, since alcoholics could breathe underwater. Zanglust marveled at the traffic accidents, domestic abuse, and public urination taking place on the sea floor. It was exactly how he had imagined! For a short time he contemplated joining them, the out-of-key sea shanties were calling from below hypnotically, and bare-breasted women stirred up feelings of expansion never before experienced, but Zanglust knew that he had to move forward. He had promised to take vengeance for his parent's death: by killing the whole royal family and drinking their blood. This vampirian aspiration was inside of him, like a comic that has helium in his lungs just can't help but go up.

Upon arriving in Souplandia, Zanglust concluded that he needed a job that would mask his true identity, so like his parents he decided to become a stage performer; a magician, going by the name Surreal Auteur. Unexpectedly, the magically endowed young man Zanglust did not inherit his parents longing to be in the limelight. Actually, in rehearsal he realized that being front and centre was not sitting well with him, as his stomach instantly tightened up composing a juicy symphony, accented by low, full-sounding flatulent rumblings once he was on stage. His whole tiny fortune had been spent on the theatre and equipment, so the show had to continue.

The first show begins. Zanglust entered stage-right and proceeded to soil himself. Instead of crumbling under the weight in his pants he had a revelation: to use his fecal matter as his main prop. He went about transporting the matter from his pants to different places in the room. Then he made it float in the air, and ended the show by making polluted shadow puppets on the auditorium wall. The show was an instant success. Luckily he had been taught about the history and culture of Souplandia while in seclusion on his island, as this taught him about the profound religious importance of cow-pies in the region. Zanglust became a national icon. He began to hold parties after the show, thus meeting the most famous and powerful people in all of Souplandia. The ruse was now set, he was respectable, and noteworthy enough to go wherever he pleased. He was so happy that he did a hoedown all the way to his new home, a brothel.

High up in the mountains lived a mutation more evil than ever thought possible. Even the mysterious fluffy bunnies would not cross this ex-human: The Marvelous Man and Mouse. He once was the most brilliant rocket-pie scientist in the whole world. Herbert Laxative was his name, but when he attempted to create the most powerful moon-rocket-pie-ship, using living mice, a terrible explosion occurred. The mutation was caused by the highly radioactive Souplandian mice and left him with mice feet, arms, and head, but with everything else human, well except that his genitals were now covered in fur. Herbert Laxative was no more, and in his place came a hatred for any non-altered living being. He slowly built up a mutated-beast army, with the goal of taking Souplandia as his kingdom. The Marvelous Man and Mouse was expanding his intelligence further and further by way of mutation, gradually making him less and less human. He believed his goal for a new “evolution” would be quickly coming to fruition. His delusions, brought on by eating souls of rainbows told him so! No one could blame him for speeding up the advancement of the world. Or so he thought. And he thought this often.

Oblivious to any danger was Zanglust, living life to the fullest. Consistently, he was frolicking to the puddle farm to check in on his prize winning puddle Chester, and playing tricks on ambulance drivers, as these were some of his favourite activates. However, he was still extremely lonely, and paying for spooning/cuddling session was getting quite expensive. This all changed at the market.

The market in the summertime was a great place to buy rotten fish, rancid meat, and toxic toys. Simply everyone loved the market! One day while making a pilgrimage to find a dolphin-vest Zanglust came across the most beautiful being he had ever laid his antennas on. Hurriedly, he threw a tennis ball at her, and magically it bounced right off her back at him. Amore! Soon, both Zanglust and this girl transformed themselves into lovebirds and flew up into the trees. It was here that they both fell in love, and once they had descended onto the market street they made plans to get married. Their wedding was to have 25 waiters dressed as Charlie Chaplin, 35 pumpkins for the most elegant gowns, and 65 bottles of scotch so people would feel inferior to them.

Tragically, just as they were about to tell the girls parents the joyful news she was kidnapped by some mutated Onion/Sharks. Zanglust in bewildered fury chased after these high-jacking wife stealers, but they were too swift, rolling on their onion balls right into the sea. Once the assailants were under the water the ocean froze, and the air became crisp and cool. The tress lost their leaves and their parrots. Snow came from the sky. Winter had definitely arrived, erasing the tranquil summer. Out of nowhere a voice descended down from the heavens, demanding that these “mere normalities relinquish the land of Souplandia because I’ve stolen your precious Princess Lobster Breath and taken away you summer! Comply with my demands or never see either again!” This of course was The Marvelous Man and Mouse, and since he knew he could not take Souplandia by force he had made other devious plans. Zanglust on the other hand was devastated; he was madly in love with his sworn enemy.

Zanglust, being of high moral fiber, quickly decided, like a fine raison bran, that his parent’s death had nothing to do with the royal family’s daughter, and only the King and Queen should have to pay retribution. He would pursue after her and curb his passion-fruit hatred for the monarchy, at least until he found Princess Lobster Breath. The Souplandian people unanimously supported Zanglust’s quest, and directed him towards the town elders: The Others. The Others consisted of Aww and Ooo, who were always in amazement of the world, and their amazement had created a vast understanding of Souplandian life, culture, geography, cooking shows, and spring badminton tournaments. They warned Zanglust of vegetables, and how they had turned evil, joining The Marvelous Man and Mouse, as they were now mutants too from scientists insisting on using chemicals and genetics in lieu of traditional natural growing.

The trek through the mountain to The Marvelous Man and Mouse’s lair was treacherous. First a hermit-orchid was nomadically ranging around a mountain landing, since this was the most direct way to his destination Zanglust decided to go forth. He saw no danger in the Orchid at first, until he came to a realization. Living on top of the orchid was an epiphyte! With 5 heads and 16 nipples the epiphyte shot hot lava milk from its bountiful bosom, while at the same time shooting hot puke in the path of Zanglust from its five heads! Unbeknownst to the epiphyte his attacks would have no damage on Zanglust as he was a counter-bulimic with a penchant for the spicy stuff. This was seen as a clever artifice used by Zanglust to hide his hiccup addiction, which was seen as unnatural. However, most people found him disgusting when he spewed their spew and that quite unnatural too, so his crafty tactic never worked to his advantage. Most frequently, he could not hold down the technicolor yawn, but in this case it worked for him as he shot the hot lava-retch right back at the epiphyte, killing him instantly.

At the entrance of his next location, the cave, he was perplexed; all he could see was Mike Love (from the Beach Boys) walking back and forth cursing Brain Wilson’s name. Quick-wittedly Zanglust pulled out a hatchet from his knapsack and buried it in Mike Love’s back. Instantly Mike Love stopped complaining and did something useful. He opened the cave door. The stench coming from inside was repulsively healthy. The dreaded vegetables were the next obstacles on this journey.

The Marvelous Man and Mouse had a master plan of creating an army of mutated living creatures that would sever their relationship with the SUN, and bask in the perpetual midnight glory of darkness. Difficulty arose quickly in his plan, for even the most mutated beings would not cut ties with the SUN. He was able to convince the most beastly concoctions to live in a vicious winter wonderland, but was only able to persuade the vegetables to be his underground lightless servants after promising them ears, eyes, noses, mouths, and hair. Vegetables have been extremely vain since their first appearance in Souplandia eons ago, and now they had the modern looks to stroke their egos with. The Marvelous Man and Mouse had the most devilish plans for his servants of darkness, but at this point he used them to as his first line of defense on the road to his castle.

Zanglust moved with the utmost stealth through the Cave of the Vegetables, but unbeknownst to him complete darkness would have unusual affect on his memory. His cognizance related to fear or caution had been wiped out by the sheet of blackness, so now Zanglust frolicked through the dark cave until he stopped by some seedling carrots. He open his mouth wide enough to see his hangy-ball thing and then proceeded to chop one carrot in half and screamed “How babelicious!!”

After this voracious action Zanglust soon found himself tied up on a spit above a fire with thousands of vegetables yelling things like “Your belly is going to be in my belly!” and “You ate my baby, so now I’m going to eat you to make my family whole again”. Typically, Zanglust would have been terrified, for a variety of reasons; reasons that were obvious, and reasons that were not so obvious. Fortunately for him once he would begin to get worried he would instantly forget why. His facial expression jumped between pure terror and pure clam at a rate that would be humorous to anyone.

To be Continued!